Harry Potter and the crazy Voldemort dating scheme
by Ed the giant Racoon
Summary: Harry Potter is fed up. So what does he do? He and Draco Malfoy get Voldemort to join a dating agency. Much hilarity ensues (probably).


A/N- This is Weird with a capital W. The idea came to me while I was randomly searching What is the best pairing for Voldemort? Is there any good pairing for Voldemort? Why doesn't Voldemort get a suntan? All of these questions I sought to answer and, eventually, all of them I will answer. The pairings are Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione and, of course, Voldemort/?

Disclaimer- I own nothing that you see in the story, except for the Authors notes, this disclaimer and the plot. Somebody else owns everything else.

**Harry Potter and the crazy Voldemort dating scheme**

Harry Potter was absolutely fed up. He lived in a huge mansion, had at least 10 servants, and had a very faithful boyfriend who loved him very much and who he loved back. His life was perfect. Except for one tiny thing.

Voldemort.

It wasn't that Voldemort was still constantly trying to kill him or anything. In fact, it was the opposite. Voldemort was still out there and alive, but he wasn't _doing_ anything.

And Harry was as bored as hell.

It was all well and good for Voldemort, if he stayed hidden then no one could find him or kill him. But for Harry, it was a disaster. How could he save the wizarding world if his evil arch nemesis didn't ever show himself? By the time he did show himself, everyone would have forgotten about him and wouldn't even care when Harry finally beat him. Besides, now Voldemort seemed to have stopped caring, Harry had nothing to do all day. He didn't know what to do. That was why when Draco asked him what was wrong one evening, Harry exploded

'Voldemort is what's wrong!' he shouted. 'Tom bloody Riddle is what's wrong!'

'Harry, calm down, I only asked,' said Draco in an irritated voice. 'There's no need to bite my head off.'

'Oh Draco, I'm sorry. It's just I've so pissed of with life in the last few months,' explained Harry.

'Why? You have the house, Voldemort has stopped bothering you, and you have me of course,' said Draco, giving Harry a small kiss on the nose.

'I'm still undecided as to whether you're a blessing or a curse,' mumbled Harry, swatting Draco away. 'And anyway, it's _because _Voldemort has stopped bothering me that I'm fed up. There's nothing to _do_ around here anymore.'

'OK, let me get this straight. You spent the last seven years trying to get him off your back, and now he's gone away you want him back? You're one screwed up kid Harry.'

'But that's why you love me so much. And I love you too. So please help me stir him into action again. Pretty please?'

'This is entirely selfish of you. There's a good chance that he'll kill half of the muggle-borns in the country if he's put back into action! All so you can have a bit more fun and danger. Am I not fun enough for you? Am I not dangerous enough for you? Huh?!'

'You know I love you. But it's just… you know. Voldemort has a certain something. I don't like him or anything, it's just… you know. Look, all you have to do is ask your dad where he is and find out how to get him back into action. That's all. If it all goes wrong, you won't get the blame.'

'Promise?'

'Yes.'

'And you also promise that you won't tell Hermione about this or my involvement in it?'

'I think it would be best if we don't tell Hermione anything about what we're planning to do.'

'OK then. But only because it's you. I'm not a pushover or anything.'

'Sure you aren't Draco.'

And with that, Draco gave Harry a quick kiss and headed off to find his dad, Lucius Malfoy..

----------

'You want me to tell you WHAT?!?!?!'

'I just wanted to know where uncle Voldie is dad. So I can give him his birthday present.'

'Oh yes? What exactly would this very important birthday present that has to be delivered personally be?'

'Ummmmm…. A virgin mudblood sacrifice?'

'Draco, Uncle Voldemort's birthday was 3 months ago. And besides, you know he's given up that sort of thing now.'

'He's given up mudblood torture?! Why's he done that?'

'Draco, we went through this months ago. Were you even listening to me back then?'

Draco thought back to about seven months ago when he had been searching the fridge for ice cream. He remembered his dad had said something about Uncle Voldemort that he had claimed was 'very important'. Draco had just cast a spell so he couldn't hear his dad and had searched for the triple chocolate flavor in peace.

'Of course I was listening dad. I always listen to you. It's just I…. forgot what you said.'

'Okayyyyy,' said Lucius, sounding very suspicious. 'Well, your Uncle decided to give it up because firstly, he kept being beaten by a kid at least 50 years his junior and secondly he had no particular reason to keep trying to take over the world and to kill all mudbloods, except that he thought it was a good idea at the time.'

'So if he had a good reason to keep killing mudbloods and trying to take over the world, then he might start doing it again.'

'Only if the reason was a good one.'

'And where is Uncle Voldie?'

'You know I can't tell you that.'

'But I love you daddy,' said Draco, putting on his best puppy dog face.

'I hope that isn't in a weird incesty way,' said Lucius, looking slightly sick. 'If you must know, he's taking a break in Barbados.'

'Thanks dad,' said Draco. 'And if mum or anyone else asks about this, do me a favor and forget we ever had this little talk'

'What talk?' smiled Lucius as Draco walked out of the room.

---------

By the time Draco got back, Harry had recruited a number of people to help him with his plan. There was Mad eye Moody, who was tired of jumping at shadows and wanted to jump at real death eaters instead. There was Sirius Black, who still hadn't gotten revenge for Bellatrix killing him and feared that he never would if Voldemort didn't start being active again(it was his ghost that was present at the meeting). There was Tonks, who overheard Harry and Sirius talking and had to be kidnapped so that she couldn't tell Hermione. There were Ginny, Ron and the twins, who didn't like Harry being so upset and depressed. There was Remus Lupin, who had also overheard Harry and Sirius but who hadn't been caught, who had come along to supervise them and Hermione, who had been told of the plot by Remus. And finally, there was Dumbledore, who thought he would go because he was bored. Draco stared at the odd assortment of people for a minute, wondering why the Order of the Phoenix were so desperate for Voldemort to start killinpeople again,then told them what his father had told him.

'So what you're saying is,' said Sirius 'Is that we need to give him a reason to go and kill people. He never needed a reason before!'

'How about we blow up his hotel?' suggested Fred.

'Because we might accidentally blow Voldemort up with it,' said George 'and then we will have wasted our time.'

'We could, like, make a petition or something?' suggested Ron.

'Give me two reasons why he would listen to a petition and we'll do one,' replied Draco.

'They're umm... Good?'

'Any more SENSIBLE suggestions?' asked Harry, wearily. No one siad anything.'Oh well, guess we're stuck with the petition then.'

'Why don't you just abandon your plan now? It's obvious that you're never going to get anywhere.'

Everyone turned round to face Remus and Hermione, who had been sitting in the corner whispering to each other.

'Oh yeah?' said Sirius. 'Well I doubt you two have a better one.'

Hermione turned pink, but Remus looked Sirius straight in the eye and calmly said, 'Actually we DO have a better idea. What is the one thing that Voldemort has never had?'

'A family he actually likes?'

'A pet dog?'

'A decent deodorant?'

'A sex life?'

'A girlfriend?'

'Wait a minute!' shouted Harry, 'that's it! He needs a girlfriend that hates muggleborns as much as he does! Then she can persuade him to start killing them again! Draco, back to Malfoy Manor! I'll explain what to do on the way! It's time to start the plan!'

----------

'Dad…' said Draco. 'I need your help with something.'

'Oh yeah? What is it now?'

'I need you to persuade Uncle Voldie to join… a dating agency.'

A/N- Dum dum dum. What will happen next? Will Harry ever get the good press he deserves? Will Voldemort ever agree to this crazy scheme? And who would you like to see him on a date with? Will I bother to continue this story at all? All will be revealed by pressing the button in the corner and reviewing!


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